I Ate All Your Cookies Read online

  I Ate All

  Your Cookies

  (and other things you wish

  you could tell your kids)

  Quinn Conroy

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  Copyright © 2012 by Sourcebooks, Inc.

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  Cover design by William Riley/Sourcebooks, Inc.

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  Introduction

  Sure, we love kids. They’re cute. ( Ahem, most of the time.) They have little chubby faces that beg to be smooshed. Or cleaned. It really all de-pends on the day. So yes, obviously we love them—

  we have wiped their butts after all, come on. But that doesn’t mean we don’t sometimes wish they were just a little smarter…or at least pretended to be smarter in public. Okay, maybe once in a while we think about admitting to them that we eat all the good stuff when they’re asleep, just to see the pissed- off look on their face. Or we dream about telling them that we are the ones who filled their stockings with all that awesome stuff— so cool it on the whole “Santa rules” thing, because really, Santa sucks.

  Of course we have these thoughts. And that’s what I Ate All Your Cookies is all about. Laugh along with all the hilarious things you’ve ever wanted to say— but never will— to these relentless child overlords. What could be better therapy than laughing at them, all without their knowledge?

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  The first time you

  get your head stuck

  in a banister is

  understandable. The

  third time makes me

  consider IQ testing.

  2

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  The first time you

  I am more proud of

  get your head stuck

  your ability to burp

  in a banister is

  the alphabet than any

  understandable. The

  ribbon or trophy you

  third time makes me

  could bring home.

  consider IQ testing.

  3

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  4

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  Your thinking

  face is a lot

  like your

  pooping face.

  5

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  When you twirl

  around and say, “Are

  you watching?” the

  answer is usually no.

  6

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  Your best friend is a twerp.

  Let me be more specific.

  He is clearly someone who

  will live in his mother’s

  basement well into middle

  age, watching pro wrestling,

  eating only Hot Pockets,

  and rarely bathing.

  Mark my words.

  7

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  8

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  I know you're

  miserable, but

  its totally

  worth it.

  Suck it up.

  9

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  Soon, you’re going to learn how little I

  really know about

  parenting. I’m making

  this crap up as I go

  our

  along. Don’t tell y

  sister. She’s next.

  10

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  Soon, you’re going to learn how little I

  really know about

  Santa Claus? What

  parenting. I’m making

  Santa Claus? I'm the

  this crap up as I go

  idiot who stayed up

  our

  along. Don’t tell y

  all night putting

  sister. She’s next.

  together that bike.

  11

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  12

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  I’m not saying you were a practice kid, but I am

  saying that we plan on

  doing a much better job

  with the next one.

  13

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  Yes, I'm sorry you have the stomach flu. But I'm

  even sorrier that you

  wasted a damn good

  pork chop before you

  figured that out.

  14

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  Oh, yeah, that baseball player is really big and

  strong. Let me tell you

  a little story about

  what steroids do to a

  person's “down there.”

  15

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  16

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  Yes, you’re right.

  Farts are

  always funny.

  17

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kies.indd 17

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  I lied. The cookies aren’t all gone. I’m

  going to eat them

  while you’re asleep.

  And they’re going to

  be delicious.

  18

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  I don’t want to

  hear that Billy’s

  mom did this,

  Billy’s mom said

  that. It’s time you

  learned that Billy’s

  mom is an asshole.

  19

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  20

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  You've been right all this time. Your brother

  is my favorite child.

  21

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  t

  No, the dog is no

  actually living on a

  farm chasing bunnies.

  And that is why there

  is no digging allowed

  in the backyard.

  22

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  Sometimes it's okay to just be average.

  And you're in luckÑ

  I'm pretty sure that

  "average" is in the

  cards for you.

  23

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  24

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  The fact that you still eat glue makes me

  wonder if you’re really

  as smart as I tell other

  people you are.

  25

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  My main hope is that when you grow up, you

  dislike the same people

  I dislike so that we can

  gossip about them for

  hours on end.

  26

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  My main hope is that It is so much

  when you grow up, you

  easier to lo

  dislike the same people

  ve

  yo

  I dislike so that we can

  u when you

  gossip about them for

  are sleeping.

  hours on end.

  27

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  I almost always

  lie about the

  time so you

  have to go to

  bed earlier.

  28

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  I almost always

  lie about the

  time so you

  have to go to

  bed earlier.

  29

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  I know that hitting is not allowed, blah

  blah blah. But man,

  that Stevie kid

  deserved it. What a

  little shit.

  30

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  Yes, going to the dentist seriously sucks. Wait till

  you see the crazy sharp

  tools she’s going to use, too.

  I would run if I were you.

  31

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  If I don't talk to

  someone besides you

  today, I might completely

  lose my mind. You're

  nice and all, but you're a

  terrible conversationalist.

  32

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  If I don't talk to

  someone besides you

  today, I might completely

  lose my mind. You're

  nice and all, but you're a

  terrible conversationalist.

  33

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  I would love to let you watch TV for

  hours on end, believe

  me. But I’m afraid that

  if you rot your brain,

  you’ll end up living

  here for twenty more

  years. And that is just

  not happening.

  34

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  I would love to let you watch TV for

  hours on end, believe

  I'm sorry, that finger

  me. But I’m afraid that

  painting does not

  if you rot your brain,

  even vaguely resemble

  you’ll end up living

  me. How many noses

  here for twenty more

  do I have?

  years. And that is just

  not happening.

  35

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  36

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  I’m finally starting to realize the after

  effects of dropping

  you on your head.

  37

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  Tattling doesn't make me like you more. It

  just makes me wish

  your brother was

  better at not getting

  caught by you.

  38

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  It’s true— you look exactly like your

  daddy. I’m so, so sorry

  about that.

  39

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  When I saw you stick a dead ant up your

  nose at the playground,

  I had the sudden urge

  to tell all the other

  parents that you

  were adopted.

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  When I saw you stick a dead ant up your

  The only reason we walk

  nose at the playground,

  to your karate lesson

  I had the sudden urge

  is because Mrs. Johnson

  to tell all the other

  brought a flask last time.

  parents that you

  Meaning karate class

  were adopted.

  is now the happiest

  of happy hours.

  41

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  42

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  I promise never to dress you up like this again if

  you promise to stop

  sucking your thumb. You

  can’t make that promise,

  can you? Deal’s off!

  43

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  You are the

  worst bowler I

  have ever seen.

  I mean, really.

  There are frickin'

  bumpers.

  44

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  If this family were You are the

  a reality show, we

  pro

  worst bowler I

  bably would

  have voted y

  have ever seen.

  ou off

  the island several

  I mean, really.

  episodes ago.

  There are frickin'

  bumpers.

&n
bsp; 45

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  46

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  Yes, I see you lost your t wo front

  teeth. You look

  completely

  ridiculous.

  47

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  Sometimes I like to get you to cry just before the

  babysitter comes, so I can

  see the horrified look on

  her face. Plus, I like to

  make sure I get my

  money’s worth!

  48

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  I know the principal wasn't happy, but those

  dirty drawings you

  did on the bathroom

  stall were incredibly

  accurate. Nice job!

  49

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  I'm not saying you

  won't make it in college. I'm

  just saying you should

  probably get a job so you

  can pay smarter kids to do

  your work for you.

  50

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  I'm not saying you

  You’re the reason

  I’m on a first-name

  won't make it in college. I'm

  just saying you should

  basis with the liquor

  probably get a job so you

  store clerk .

  can pay smarter kids to do

  your work for you.

  51

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  52

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  We think you’re

  adorable, but

  oh, man, are the

  other kids going

  to pick on you.

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  It’s your fault you’re an only child. Maybe

  if you weren’t so

  demanding, you’d have

  a baby brother or

  sister by now.

  54

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  I actually can

  kick your ass at

  Candy Land.

  And checkers.

  And dominoes.

  55

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  The reason the

  bedside drawer is

  locked is because

  dy

  Mommy and Dad oys.

  have their own t

  56

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